Well, for a change, this post will be in perfect english, or at least I will try my very best to type in proper complete english. Because this has a special and proper meaning.

Today, a friend of mine told me something which I would consider quite factful but at the same time I wanted to argue with what he had to say. In the end, I decided not to, cause he already had his thoughts in his head and it would be almost impossible to change his mindset. So after talking all that he had to give, the conversation ended with, "Don't bother talking to me about it," and then, "Don't bother to reply," and finally "Thanks."

And so i thought to myself, I have yet lost another friend? I mean if you know me well enough, you would have come to realise that friends come first (no.1) in my life, followed by my lover (no.2), family (no.3), and finally career/job (no.4). The thought of losing a friend is greatly saddening for me and I felt terrible cause it might have been my fault but at the same time, it wasn't entirely my fault. Sigh.

I have this other friend. He confessed to me that he had a few friends, friends that he could and would talk to, 2 to be exact. One was his classmate, another was me. I thought he was kidding my balls, but I realised that was the honest truth. And I felt bad, cause he told me that even if he doesn't have many friends, he is sad, yes, but he treasures them to the fullest extend. I thought to myself, hmm.

Sometimes I wonder if i was born retarded or anything cause I care more about others like x100 than I do for myself. Even sometimes to the extend I am so nice that people start stepping on me and treating me like I'm something not someone. I admit, I'm not totally nice to everyone, but I do try my best to make people happy and laugh. I always try to make people feel like they are a part of something, not apart from something.

Every single moment I get, I will think I feel bad for the things I have done, to my god, my religion, my friends, my family and I wonder why I have done them. But everytime I want to change to a better person, I realised I'd still be condemned by whomever or whatever so it's bring me back to just being horrible.

So before I snap out of this transition, I would like to reach down to the bottom of my heart to ask for forgiveness to god, to my friends, to my family, for the deceat, the lies, the wrong doings, the attitude, the heartpain I have caused or anything else that I might have done to you. Please forgive me. I don't want to die a bad person. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I have polluted the young minds with words I should use discretly and sparingly and not on a sentence basis. I'm sorry for talking behind people's back. I'm sorry for all my mistakes, known or not known to me. If I could change it, I wouldn't, honestly no, cause those we the precious memories that I will forever keep in my heart, although it was wrong, the time spend was memorable cause of my friends.

So I asked myself, why have I turned out the way I am today? Is it because of my family? I came from a family that is together and not in piece. Is it because of my friends? But I was the one influencing them. Is it because of the media? But I believe that the media is just crap and just for entertainment. So I looked deep down inside myself, and I finally found the answer i knew ages ago.

Although I had a full family, although i have friends, although I'm not poor, although I have my share of adventure, was I happy? No. You can consider me a fool, "Hey Zaid, you have everything anyone else would ever want, you shouldn't be so selfish, look at other 3rd world countries like Africa (why is it always this country). They have more to be unhappy about!" And so my answer to that would be, although the people in Africa are poor, diseased, dying, sad, at least they have each other, cause they know how every single individual is going through. They are in the same dilemma.

But as for me, I'm not happy because, I never saw the true meaning of happiness in life. I never really got my proper individual life. So maybe I just am being selfish to others. And so I am sorry. I'm sorry I can't be happy for myself. I'm sorry for being a disease to the human race, being someone just walking around aimlessly without purpose.

So for my New Year's resolution, I will be a better child, a better friend, a better human and most importantly, a better me. I will try, so i won't know. Nothing in this world is a 100%, but we can try.

Let's make this world a better place, a place we want our children, our future generation of leaders to take charge and keep peace and fairness. The world isn't gonna last much longer so let's do with what we have left.

With Love.Anything IS Possible.